"Rebecca Black" OR "A Depressing First Blog"

This past Friday I had the extreme personal misfortune to be exposed to the latest super-meme. I was shown the meme "Rebecca Black: Friday." This may have been the most painful musical experience of my life. The lyrics were unimaginative, flat, and emotionless. Now, Ms. Black is thirteen years young and was provided with the lyrics to this song by Ark Music Factory. She was also given a budget with which to produce a video.

The video was an atrocity all itself. It began with her waking up singing about eating cereal. She then proceeded to wait for the bus, at which point her friends drove up in a convertible. Not only were they not wearing seat-belts, but they were also sitting on the trunk of the car. The lyrics began to muse about which seat she would take. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT SEAT DOES SHE TAKE? She's not sure if she should sit in front, apparently in the lap of the girl who is already sitting there, or the back. Really. I'm not making this up. But the most egregious offense has yet to be mentioned. How exactly does a thirteen year-old have a license yet alone a convertible?

God help me for blogging about this...The singing, oh the singing. I have no idea if she is a good singer or not because the prevalence of the auto-tuner completely overrides any sound that can be construed as the natural human voice. Additionally, Ms. Black apparently has no knowledge of the dreaded diphthong. "Fry-ee-day" is the way she pronounces "Friday."

And here's where things get strange. In the third verse of the song (he called it generously), a rapper appears driving his car, rapping about being behind the school bus and how excited he is that it is Friday. Who is this mysterious stranger? More importantly...WHAT SCHOOL BUS?! SHE WAS WAITING FOR THE SCHOOL BUS BUT SHE HOPPED IN WITH HER THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD FRIEND WHO APPARENTLY HAS A LICENSE AND A CONVERTIBLE! WHERE IS THE BUS?!

Ahem, I've calmed down a bit. However, the lyrics make reference to "partyin', partyin', YEAH!" and I cannot conceive of a universe in which a just and loving God would allow an 8th grader to sing about partying all weekend. To paraphrase Lewis Black (no relation), we only use a small percentage of our brain. When we hear or see something outrageously stupid, our brain yells "LET'S FIGURE IT OUT!" The next morning you wake up dead in your bathroom from the aneurysm caused by the coincidental experience of a happenstance so outrageously stupid that it behooves me to find more hyperbolic language with which to describe it. Sadly, I cannot. Words fail in the face of this...meme. This meme has over thirty millions views, almost two-hundred thousand comments, numerous spoofs and parodies and my brain can't take it. I watched the video. Twice. It did not age well.

May God have mercy on my soul.